


everybody digs a swinging cat

by doingthemost



Series: if you would've been the one [2]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: 5+1 Things, 5+1 cats, Canon Compliant, Cats, Character Study, F/M, Future Fic, Pets, Post-Canon, cat-non compliant, cat-racter study, post cat-non, sometimes a cat comes along and you see yourself in the cat and the cat sees itself in you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doingthemost/pseuds/doingthemost
Summary: Ted had been asking for a cat for Christmas for months, ever since she completely, totally vetoed the possibility of them ever getting a dog. He'd tried a million tactics: asking her while she's still groggy in the mornings, catching her by surprise, and he had even once asked her at the onset of hooking up, in an aborted attempt at roleplay –'let's pretend that we, you know... own a cat, and we have to take the cat out of the room before we do it.'Five times that Alexis tries to not love her and Ted's new Christmas cat, Boop – and then one time that she does.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose (mentioned), Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Series: if you would've been the one [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065995
Comments: 40
Kudos: 52
Collections: Schitt's Creek: Frozen Over (2020)





	everybody digs a swinging cat

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCFrozenOver2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCFrozenOver2020) collection. 



> To wanderinghope: Sorry I ended up not being able to work in the cat's journey as a curator of the beauty and lifestyle space, or set up its career traveling for business and for pleasure... but maybe that means you'll get a sequel one day. Despite my shortcomings, I hope you enjoy this. ❤️
> 
> To singsongsung: Thank you for patiently answering my questions, and for solving that one paragraph for me. 😘
> 
> **Based On the Prompt:**
> 
> As a Christmas gift, Alexis finally agrees to adopting a cat (much to Ted's delight). The relationship starts rocky but after it becomes clear that she is the cat's chosen human (much to Ted's dismay), Alexis goes all in on being a cat mom. Bonus points if the cat becomes insta-famous.

**1.**

"Ted. _Ted_." 

Her husband doesn't look up, not even when she says his name for the third time. _it's happening already_ , Alexis thinks to herself, desperately. _He already loves it more than me._

There's a tiny little cat skulking around their living room, sticking to the makeshift 'fence' that she and Ted are making with their legs. Its fur patterning is something called 'tortoiseshell,' which Alexis doesn't fully understand outside the context of handbags, and its big eyes stare right into the depths of Alexis' soul.

Ted's in love. Alexis is just hoping he remembers he loves her, too.

  


\- - - 

  


Ted had been asking for a cat for Christmas for _months_ , ever since she completely, _totally_ vetoed the possibility of them ever getting a dog. He'd tried a million tactics: asking her while she's still groggy in the mornings, catching her by surprise, and he had even once asked her at the onset of hooking up, in an aborted attempt at roleplay – _let's pretend that we, you know... own a cat, and we have to take the cat out of the room before we do it_. 

She doesn't remember when she'd finally agreed. He'd just been so _persistent_ , and so annoyingly _adorable_. How could she keep saying no to him?

"It's still _November_ , but I guess you can," she'd said, making a big show of rolling her eyes and scrunching up her nose even as Ted's pleading look, all big, sad eyes, had shifted into a smile faster than she can even track. "But only if you take care of all the chores. All the poop and the hairballs and everything."

"Baby," he'd said, pulling her against him, gently scraping his stubble against her cheek in that way she pretends to hate but secretly loves. "You're gonna love it just as much as I will, I know it." 

"Seems questionable, babe." But it's impossible to resist him when he smiles his big, happy smile at her, joy crinkling the corners of his eyes. So that was that: they had to get a cat.

  


\- - - 

  


"What's its name going to be?" Alexis asks skeptically. The cat's mostly been keeping near Ted; it probably senses her semi-hostile vibe and is kindly staying away. It's safer for both of them that way, and she's glad the cat is smart enough to realize it.

Ted reaches his hand out, letting the cat sniff him. He makes a pained sort of cry that has Alexis' eyebrows drawing up, alarmed, as the cat rubs the side of its face against his palm. "Lex," he says, his voice thick, ignoring her question. "I love her."

"I know, baby." She will admit the cat is reasonably nice to look at, as far as cats are concerned. It's technically cute, with its multicoloured patterning of fur, and its face is strangely expressive. 

"Do you love her, too?" Ted runs his hands all over the cat, scratching behind its ears. 

"Um." Alexis tilts her head. The cat's now prowling over towards her, and she nearly backs away from it before she remembers that she'd promised to at least _try_. "Love is maybe, like, a strong word?" The cat's directly in front of her now, looking up at her with those piercing eyes. "But I don't dislike the cat?"

"Hold your hands out," Ted instructs, and she reluctantly obeys. "She wants to get to know you, and that'll help her feel safe."

"Not sure why she wouldn't feel safe around me," Alexis says, wrinkling her nose as the cat starts to sniff her, too. Its little whiskers tickle. And then, all of a sudden, the cat moves closer, then brushes its nose against the back of her hand. 

"She booped me." She looks up at Ted, horrified to see him nearly in tears, then quickly directs her gaze back down to the cat. It's clear that her husband needs some privacy during this troubled time. "Or like, it reverse-booped me. And should its nose be so wet? Is it okay?" 

"Yeah, that's very okay, very normal," Ted says enthusiastically, immediately. "And this is..." He moves closer, sitting right in front of her, and places his hands above Alexis' knees. "You guys are so cute together!" 

She rolls her eyes; his enthusiasm is a little bit extra, but she can't help but love this kind of happiness for him. And if her loving this cat will make that look stay on his face, well. She can pretend to love it just for him.

So she experimentally runs her thumb over its little forehead, and the cat responds by reverse-booping her hand once more. The cat is admittedly _very_ soft. "We could call her 'Boop,'" she suggests, and Ted clasps a hand over his heart. 

"Boop," he agrees. "Welcome to the family, Boop."

  


\- - - 

  


**2.**

Boop settles in with the kind of confidence Alexis herself likes to display in new surroundings: she immediately makes every single room her own. There's suddenly a cat bed in the corner of their bedroom, several little tiny mice strewn about their living room, and an assortment of treats on their kitchen counter. Ted keeps talking about getting a cat condo, but Alexis tells him that there's no way her cat is buying a condo before they can.

It takes a little while for her to get used to the changes, but she starts to grow accustomed to the litter box and cat dishes in the half bath. The cat's still too young to roam and sleep outside a little penned area, Ted explains, so at night he covers the pen with a new fleece Christmas blanket his mother sent 'for her new grandcat.' 

"She doesn't mean anything by it," Ted lies through a sheepish smile. Alexis will have to unpack that later, though; she's got bigger issues to deal with right now.

She thrusts one of her Louboutins towards him, heel-first, so he can see the little telltale teeth marks. " _Ted_ , look at this!"

"Oh, no." Ted spins the shoe in his hand, looking at the irreparable damage from multiple angles. He at least has the good sense to look a little bit chagrined when he says, "Little Boop's just teething. This is completely normal behaviour. Albeit a little inconvenient!"

He chances a smile at her, but it quickly fades in response to her pointed glare. " _Ted_ ," Alexis says again, pouting. She sweeps her wrist, gesturing to the pen. "This means she can get _out_ of that!" 

They both turn to look at Boop through the mesh material, pacing in her makeshift prison. She makes a teeny-tiny little howl when she spots them, then reaches up to put her paws on the wall. 

"She can't get out," Ted says doubtfully, but Boop starts to climb, ascending quickly, then paws at the fleece blanket and casts it ajar just enough to poke her head through and taste freedom. Alexis huffs, pulling the shoe out of Ted's hand, and waves it at Boop. The cat's now half-out, wriggling head-first before she free-falls onto the ground, lands on all four feet, and looks up at Alexis.

"You're trouble, little girl." But there's something else warring with the despair she feels at all the money wasted: Alexis is, despite herself, deeply impressed by their little escape artist. She's masterminded enough escapes of her own to recognize expert work. So when Boop saunters over and greets her with a gentle little headbutt against her leg, she can't help but smile.

  


\- - - 

  


**3.**

As the holidays draw nearer, New York gets an extra two feet of snow. Alexis rummages through her closet, looking for all the sweaters she's stolen from David over the years; Stevie's in town, and they have plans to meet up for _some of that ultra-pretentious coffee you love_ that afternoon. 

Alexis has plenty of options, but none of them seem to suit the mood she's in. Ted's already dressed and ready out in the living room, but this is par for the course. She keeps telling him to get ready right at the end, when she's stepping into a perfume cloud and carefully tousling her hair, but he always counters with, "One day you'll be ready in fifteen," then darts out of her reach with a big, teasing grin whenever she tries to swat at his shoulders. 

She loves him so much, misplaced optimism and all.

Suddenly, she hears little rustling sounds coming from below. "Ted," she calls out, loud enough for him to hear. "Boop's in here!"

"Yeah, babe," he shouts back. "She got out again."

Alexis frowns down at Boop. The cat's sitting next to the chaise she keeps in their closet, staring up at her with big, seemingly-innocent eyes, and Alexis moves out of the closet and over to the bedroom door. "Babe, come _get_ her!"

Ted drapes an arm around Alexis' shoulders once he's back, kissing her forehead, then clasps his other hand to his face, his mouth agape in awe. Alexis turns just in time to watch Boop rear back on her tiny legs and leap up onto the chaise, landing right on top of one of Alexis' favorite cashmere sweaters.

" _Get_ her, Ted!" And for once, Ted's taking her side, not the cat's, moving over towards Boop with purpose, hands outstretched.... and then he tickles her sides, cooing as Boop arches and rolls onto her back. 

He grins over his shoulder at her, unrepentant. "But babe, she's so cozy here. Can't she just stay until we're ready to go?"

"Oh my _god_. You're spoiling her." Alexis never actually finished her outfit, though, so she reluctantly draws nearer and makes a big show of huffing in Ted's direction as she rescues the sweater, holding it up to the light for further examination. " _And_ she's getting hair everywhere!"

"Yeah, but." He picks Boop up in his hands, and she crawls up his arm and onto his shoulder. "She's so stinking cute, right?" 

Alexis puts a hand on her hip, staring challengingly into Boop's eyes. Boop meets her gaze unflinchingly, and something within Alexis softens. "You could've at least picked an uglier cat, Ted."

  


\- - - 

  


**4.**

Alexis' family flies in to New York for the holidays. Their apartment doesn't have room for all of them, but David books their parents a room at a nearby hotel and he and Patrick move into Alexis' guest room for the extended weekend. 

"I can't believe you actually got a cat," David says to her one evening, after their parents have gone back to their hotel. They're drinking boozy hot chocolate on the couch, Ted and Patrick are putting together late night ice cream sandwiches in the kitchen, and Boop is dozing in her pen. 

"Yeah, well." Alexis tries to keep her attention on her brother, but Boop keeps making tiny, distracting snoring noises. David kicks her, and she makes a big show of rolling her eyes, feigning nonchalance as she says, "Ted really wanted her for Christmas, and what was I gonna do? Crush his holiday dreams?"

"Obviously." David's barely containing a smile. "Then maybe he'll ask you for a divorce, and this can be the last year that I have to watch him cry when Mom hugs you." 

"Ted has allergies. Very, you know." Alexis leans her head onto her hand, tilting against the back of the couch. "Very seasonal, very... _specific_ allergies." 

"He has way too many feelings." David gestures vaguely with his mug-free hand, his smile shifting swiftly into a grimace. "Like... just so _much_ going on inside him, all the time. How does he live? How does he do _anything_?"

"Just because _you_ have a heart made of _stone_ , David..." Boop rustles in her pen, interrupting Alexis, then lets out a plaintive cry.

Alexis bites her lip; now that she thinks about it, Boop's been in the pen for nearly the entire day. Johnny had wanted to hold her, but Moira hadn't managed more than a wild shriek whenever Boop had even deigned to look in her direction. And as soon as Johnny had picked her up, Moira had rounded on Ted, demanding to know whether it was possible for cats to give humans venereal disease. 

Rationally, practically, Alexis knows that exiling Boop for the day had been the best possible choice for them all: even beyond her mother's dramatics, Boop has proven to be all too fascinated by the menorah, and Ted has already needed to pluck her off the tree at least five times. But that doesn't mean she's unmoved by Boop's sad little noises.

" _Ted_! Can you get the cat?" 

There's no answer, though, and David's watching her with that scrupulous look of his, the one that says: _what's Alexis going to do now?_

"Patrick?"

Nothing. 

She turns her attention back to David, reaching out for his hand and putting on a pout and her best and biggest puppy-dog eyes. If her husband and her brother-in-law are too busy eating ice cream to help... "David, please?"

David draws his hand back. He's grinning now, wolfish and all-too-amused, shaking his head. "Have you ever held your own cat, Alexis?"

" _No_ , but – the opportunity just hasn't come up yet." Even Alexis knows how ridiculous it sounds, though; Boop has been with them for over a month. So she sticks her tongue out at her brother, then sets her mug down on the coffee table as she gingerly approaches the pen.

Boop's meows get even louder and higher as impending freedom approaches, and Alexis gathers her wits as she unzips the top of the pen. (Ted had upgraded to a more secure model after Boop's additional escapes had proven to be even more damaging than the Louboutin incident.) The kitten practically leaps into her hands, wriggly and fuzzy and nearly impossible to hold on to, and Alexis instinctively clutches Boop to her chest. 

The closeness instantly seems to soothe her: Boop turns a little in her hands, rubbing her face against the sequins on Alexis' holiday dress, and begins to purr. Her tiny paws wrap around Alexis' fingers, flexing and relaxing, and her nails are digging into Alexis' skin. It hurts a little, almost enough for her to set the cat back down, but Boop is so soft and tiny, so squishy and delicate, looking up at Alexis like she trusts her with her life – and with a shock, Alexis realizes that Boop really _does_.

"I hate to interrupt this Hallmark movie moment," David says suddenly, startling her, "but our husbands are back." 

"We only ate a few extras." Patrick sets the ice cream sandwiches on the table. "But it looks like you three have been busy while we were gone?"

Ted wraps his arm around Alexis' shoulders, then lifts his other hand up to run his thumb over Boop's forehead and ears. His smile is big enough to light up the room. "Look at my girls."

  


\- - - 

  


**5.**

The Roses leave as New Year's approaches, and Boop gets enough impulse control to be left to her own devices for a few hours at a time. Alexis grows used to finding her in odd places: on top of an errant cushion that had fallen off the couch, right next to her cat bed instead of inside it, and, once, in a pile of her and Ted's sweaty running clothes. 

Sometimes, when Ted is at the Bronx Zoo and she's working from home, taking advantage of Interflix's holiday season work-from-home policy, she finds herself talking to Boop. Alexis has never met a silence she can't fill, but there's also something reassuring about the way Boop's attention is always rapt, all big eyes and pupils looking up at her as Alexis talks through a work problem she can't solve on her own. 

It's nice, having someone else around. Ted works long hours sometimes, and she doesn't love how long his commute home from the Bronx can take. Alexis learns to anticipate how Boop follows her from room to room and into the kitchen, how she stays close to Alexis' ankles while she tries to make sense of Ted's recipes. He always leaves one out on the counter for her, written out on a notecard in his careful handwriting, even though half the time she ends up ordering delivery. 

She's deep in thought, her forehead wrinkled and her lips pursed as she reads over the ingredient list, when Boop meows next to her, then again. Alexis glances down, and the look on the cat's face is so sweet, she can't help but sweep her up. 

"I know," she says, holding Boop to her chest. She strokes her back with her thumb, then lowers her head to brush her chin against the top of Boop's head. "You miss Dad, don't you? So do I. But he'll be home soon, and he'll... I mean, you and I both know he should make this spaghetti thing, not me, but let's go." 

Boop meows her agreement, then makes another little sound that tugs at Alexis' heartstrings. Boop sounds lonely, she thinks, so she squeezes her tighter, like Ted would.

"Lucky you, Boopity Boop." Alexis sets a box of pasta on the counter with one hand, then retrieves the tomato sauce and a block of parmesan from the fridge. "You just have to wait a few more minutes to see him. Once, I had to wait three whole years."

She needs to fill a pot with water, so she sets Boop down. "Just hold on," she says, in between Boop's complaints. The running water covers up the sound of the front door opening. "Mom has to show Dad she isn't going to starve without him." 

Alexis turns to light the stove, then nearly drops the pot onto it when the surprise of Ted's voice interrupts her: "Hey, babe! Daddy's home." 

He's leaning against the doorway when she turns around, still in his winter things. "How much of that did you overhear?"

"Enough." He strips his scarf off, then loops it over her and uses it to tug her in towards him. "It was paw-sitively adorable."

"Whatever." Alexis moves her arms around his neck, clasping her hands behind his head, and hums, content, as she kisses him hello. She can feel his breath against her lips as he draws back, and it reminds her of sunrises in Ecuador and the griminess of JFK airport, the steadiness of his eyes and the ever-present warmth in his smile. She loves him so much; she can't believe she ever let him go. "You're finishing dinner."

"I know." He brushes his nose against hers, and she watches him close his eyes, savouring the moment, before he kisses her again. "Anything for you, Lex."

  


\- - - 

  


**1.**

They have to make an obligatory appearance at an informal Interflix New Year's Eve party later that week. Alexis chooses a rose gold dress with lots of fringe, puts Ted in a navy dinner jacket, and tries to summon up her enthusiasm for leaving her home. The wind's whistling outside their window, and it's been snowing all day. 

Ted's always been a good sport about her social calendar; he's already halfway into an overcoat and scarf when she passes by Boop on the couch. The cat swats at her, chasing her fringe, and Alexis can't help but giggle as its paw catches and tickles her skin. 

"Someone likes my dress!" She twists a little, and Boop rears up onto her back legs, eyes wide, overwhelmed by all the fringe and trying eagerly to catch each little piece. "She has good taste, I'll give her that much."

"Like meow-ther, like daughter." Ted comes back around the couch with her coat, then drapes it around her shoulders.

She leans against him as they gaze down at Boop, then tilts her head up to study his face. Time has been good to her husband; she loves tracing his laugh lines with her fingertips, imagining that he's earned each one like a badge of pride, a measurement of the life they've built together. And Alexis has changed, too. Her hair's now a dark, rich brown, she carries a pair of reading glasses in her purse and keeps a spare on her nightstand, and she owns a _cat_. She barely even recognizes herself sometimes.

"Like I said, that was just one time." He's never let her live down her one maternal moment. Regardless, Alexis moves an arm under his overcoat and around his waist, breathing in the faint scent of his cologne. Boop's still pacing on the couch, frustrated by the fringe being just out of paws' reach, making stubborn little cries. "But, you know. Maybe one day I'll be her meow-ther for real."

"One day," Ted agrees, and she makes a little face at him when he fails to hide his knowing smile. "I have faith in your paw-renting abilities." 

The wind's still whipping around outside, and Alexis turns to face Ted, slipping both hands into his dinner jacket. "Ted," she says, walking her fingers up and down his spine, over his dress shirt. "It seems really cold out."

He raises his eyebrows, his smile broadening. "Yeah, babe. It does."

"Like, the weather just seems really _bad_." Boop meows again, reaching out to brush her paws against Alexis' dress, and she barely manages to hold onto a straight face as she adds, "Bad enough for us to stay home instead. You know, like, for safety. Something could happen to Boop. We should stay with her."

Ted pauses, gauging whether she's serious, but after she raises one shoulder in response to his head tilt, he shrugs off his overcoat and tosses it on the couch, then follows suit with her own. "What a shame. I think you're right, though. In my very professional opinion. She could _die_ , and we would be responsible for that." 

" _Ted_." He's never learned to rein in his roleplays, but she loves that for him. "No one's dying." 

"Yeah, you're right." Ted cups her face with both hands, his fingers gently curling into her hair as he kisses her slowly, leisurely, and she smiles against his lips.

Their separation and her move to New York had been intimidating enough, but the blank space of what would come after that – her mid-thirties and beyond, a life forged alone, standing on her own two feet – had been even more daunting. If she could go back and tell herself then, thirty, reluctantly flirty, and barely thriving, that she'd have Ted back by her side, an apartment on the Upper West Side that she pays for by herself, and a very noisy kitten that she kind of adores, would it all seem like a fantasy? What's more: would she believe that she'd choose all of that, ten times over again, instead of a _New Year's party?_

Well. Alexis doesn't think she'd actually believe herself, but she guesses that's what the element of surprise is for. And as Ted tugs her down onto the couch and she curls up against his side as Boop does the same on his lap, and Alexis reaches out instinctively to stroke her soft fur, she knows there's no other way she'd rather ring in the year to come.


End file.
